The longer I spend out in the vast infinite of this blackened abyss, speckled with glimmers of hope and energy, I begin to realize just that; They are but only a blip every few A.U. or so. How could something so minuscule, through the essence of time and evolution, go from roaming the Earth in what is told to be slabs of tarnished fabrics and stones, to that of a demigod in an alternate universe, completely detached from our birthplace, knowing not of death or its hindering effects? To think that there are intelligent beings that will continue to live on, whether by choice or not, through the technological advancements in the cloning industry.. While at the same time there are those that are bound by the balance that our world, our Multi-Verse, have thrown upon us.. experiencing ultimate resolution and peace for what may be all eternity, or not. What defines existence? What defines MY existence, as opposed to others? Why am I surrounded by others similar to that of myself, yet when they are around feel more alone than when I am actually in seclusion?
joy sorrow love
hate reality fantasy
In the short table above(there are of course, many other forms of balance one could choose from, the table has been truncated due to purposes of space, time, and pure laziness), the underlined words depict that which defines me on a natural instinctual level, highlighted in the colour that I associate each with(Ah, the joys of synaesthesia). As you can see, the list is pretty one sided; Generally speaking, that which tends to side with the negative side of life makes up the majority of what I define myself as. Though as you can obviously see, there is one outlier on the table; Love. As I’m sure you’re as curious as to why that is, as I am wanting to explain it, I feel as if the other side of the spectrum should be described in detail first.
Destruction. Death. Sorrow. Fantasy. Artificial. Dark.
Ah, negativity. How you consume thy soul. The reasons of the negative side of my life making up the majority of my existence is for multiple reasons, both simplistic and/or complex. Personally, I have grown to understand and accept into my being that regardless if we agree with that which is not us, it is just as important as what we are. If evil must exist in order for good to do the same, what makes someone choose one over the other, or lightly dabble in both? Reason and decision making. Yes, I believe that we are able to write our future, our so-called “Destiny” if you will. While it is blatantly obvious that we cannot change what has been done, that does not mean that we are bound to any set path that stands before us in the present or future. We are constantly branching off into the distant void of the infinite, there is no stopping it, whether we are bound by the laws of time or not. Just as we cannot change the past, we cannot fully predict the future; We can only formulate accurate judgments based off of past experiences, whether they be situational or opinions on another individual’s past actions, in order to bring forth a thought out prediction of any given situation. Going back to the original question on what makes someone have a preference of one thing over another.. I believe the answer to that is never definite; For one can go for years on one side, only to hear but a mere statement that causes them to rethink everything they have based their existence on, and switch sides. It truly is amazing in my humble opinion, that one can go but their entire life fixated towards one side of an argument, only to hear those specific words which hit in just the right spot to throw the entire process into a whirl, causing that which we all love; Chaos(Mind you I understand this is not true for everyone, though I will say I do love chaos!). But, why do I love chaos so, you ask? Maybe I’m attached to the rush of adrenaline, or.. perhaps it’s the fact that people only ask real questions when a problem exists. Maybe.. I just love destruction and watching everything around me crumble and fade back to nothing. That is something only I can truly understand. ;)
Now, you may be wondering how I can sit here and go on for hours and hours about how chaos and darkness make those tiny little sparks deep inside the constructs of my mind go wild, yet be able to tell you that 100% without a doubt, that I would rather love than hate. Well let me put it this way; Despite however long I could go on about the negative side of the world, I could go on about the positive side of the world 10x; Any day, any time. I understand that many are skeptical when it comes to the subject of true love, for in this world the term is thrown around quite often, to the point where it seems the original meaning is forever lost. But I can tell you that true love is never lost to those who have experienced it, for it sticks with you. Whether that person is beside you, galaxies afar, or even deceased, that love will always be just as strong as it started off as, if not more from the burning passion of desire or reminiscence. Love is quite a tricky subject, seeing as how there are many forms with varying intensities each. Time is once again a factor as well, which heavily ties in with communication between the involved parties and/or contact itself. But why am I able to say that when I spend most of my time in the shadows? In my opinion, one of the best ways to learn of something is to learn what it is not. Love is not sadness or pain, nor is it emptiness and shallow. Love is beyond that which any word or group of words could ever express; For just like with sorrow, there comes a point in one’s journey where the only way to express one’s inner dialogue is through raw passion and emotion. Time will always move forward, and as time moves forward our experiences teach us of the world, and ourselves. As you push the barrier of intensity on whichever side you are following(joy or sorrow in this example’s case), the opposing end’s capacity increases at the same rate. Though of course the feelings of the opposite side are not felt immediately, but with proper mental stability and a bit of self-discipline, one can fully understand the opposite side of the spectrum, even when on the complete opposite end, despite not feeling it at that current point in time. Emotion has its low points of course, for we are not always bursting with joy, nor are we constantly locked in a dark room away from existence, but that does not mean that the knowledge gained from the experience of those higher intensities is completely forgotten, in most cases. Yes, as much as we would like to think that our feelings will stay locked in place forever, it doesn’t always work that way.
We love family members unconditionally(I understand that there are cases where this is not true, but for the sake of the argument we will say it is very common), for they help us grow into who we are in the early stages of life, and depending on the situation, sometimes even further into life. Whether we like it or not, they have a major impact on who we are and who we become in the future. In some cases, the family will try to push family tradition upon one, or mold them into what their vision of the child is. There are also families where each member comes from a completely different social culture/hierarchy, crammed together in confinement. Sometimes the family will accept each member’s differences and co-exist in peace, sometimes not. The world isn’t perfect, nor would I ever wish it to be. We all have our opinions, but I feel that all family members have some tie of love to a certain extent. There is the obvious option of going into more detail, but I choose not to at the moment for I feel as if I am straying away from what point I am actually trying to express.
Love. True love. The bond of lovers, heterosexual or homosexual, that forms either instantly or over an extended period of time. Each situation is different in how the relationship progresses, but I am more focusing on what makes love able to cancel out any negative energy, whether it be situational or not. Love is not merely taking a liking to one another. Love breaks all boundaries, and takes full priority over any logic when felt at the highest of intensities. Now I am not saying that logic cannot co-exist alongside love, for love is also mysterious in the way that it brings forth power, whether it be physical or mental, and breaks barriers that were thought to once be impossible. As one of my old colleagues stated quite some time back, love and hate are but two opposite ends on the spectrum of obsession. While his direct words slip me at the moment, that is the thought that he was trying to portray. I disagree. While yes I do understand where he is coming from, there are many other factors that are to be taken into consideration, for when one loves an individual to the point that they know deep in their hearts that they are letting go of the one and only hope they have to ever find true love as their lover walks away to seek their own destiny..
That is not obsession. That is true love. You do not chase, for you know that as an individual, you cannot bring the other to their fullest potential, despite that they bring you to yours. That love never fades. Never. It may change, it may linger in the shadows from time to time, becoming blurred and distorted from the broken and tattered reality our sorrow-soaked souls breathe, but it never fades. For even after being apart for time on end, the instant contact is made, it rushes back, full force, just as strong as ever! The empowerment, the joy, the excitement, the thrills..!! Everything! You cannot contain yourself, you want to jump for joy, giggling and laughing the day away without a single care! ..But just before that bubble bursts, you get caught in their eyes.. all that excitement and joy recesses; Not into hiding, but a concentrated and controlled glow that allows you to continue feeling all of those bursting emotions.. But on top of it, you’re now deep within your lovers eyes, their soul, connecting with that same concentrated and controlled glow you have deep inside you. The path that is formed from that point on is that of the lovers to wend; For there is no set definition of love, we each feel it in different ways and define it in whatever way we see fit.
I am in love. I have tasted true love, and it will stay with me for however long I exist. Even as I lull in the pitch black abyss that surrounds me, riddled with those little specks that make this infinite cold void all worth while, they keep me just as warm as when I slept beside my lover, whenever that last was..